The Dharma

Realisation: A Matter of Life & Death: Contemplating Suicide

Dedicated to all who are thinking of giving up

I remember wanting to kill myself at 13 - not because life was terrible, but because it felt pointless. What, I wondered, was the point of life when there is the point of death - which might strike any time through an accident? Even if I do not die suddenly, I will die eventually, and lose everything. What was the point of trying so hard to live well, or to live at all, with the shadow of death haunting every moment? I could not see any worthy destination life was leading to, probably because I did not know what was worthy... and was thus unsure life was worth anything at all. It was a pure existential crisis, muddled with teenage angst of growing up lost in the thicket of life's realities.

Learning the Dharma, my questions were answered. Life is ultimately "empty", in that it holds no specific purpose other than the one you choose, but so is death "empty". We go through endless cycles of rebirth driven by our craving and delusions again and again... as long as we have not figured out how to break free. Suicide ends life - only for this round! Life and death are repeated exams to be passed after thorough understanding. Death, then, cannot be an escape - attaining Enlightenment is the way to liberation. Life is NOT pointless precisely because there is death; death puts life in perspective. Death makes life precious, and it is only through learning to live meaningfully, for oneself and others, that perfects our Compassion and Wisdom - topping the twin peaks of Enlightenment. Despite life being without a mandatory purpose, no one can deny that we all just want True Happiness - and this is possible through spiritual (not material!) cultivation.

I remember wanting to kill myself at 16 - not because life felt pointless, but because it was terrible. I was revising for my exams when my mind suddenly went blank, and I lost confidence in everything - from my studies to tying my shoelaces. I'm still unsure what happened, but I was greatly humbled by the experience. "Hell" can come without warning! Was life unfair? Well, it is pointless to think of unfortunate experiences being unfair - it only makes us bitter, veering us further from the True Happiness we actually want. Whether we believe we get our just deserts in the name of karma or not, the wise learn to graciously accept the inevitable, rather than reject them in disgust. When we reject life, we might commit suicide, which only restarts another round of rebirth - with greater disadvantages. The Buddha tells us that it is incredibly difficult to be reborn human - as it requires much hard-earned merit. How then, can we simply throw this life away? It is also in with this human life that possibility of progress towards Enlightenment is almost ideal. May we all be brave to face the trials and tribulations of life. When we overcome our troubles, we can only become stronger!

Seeking suicide as a means of escape is jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Just when life is already terrible enough, suicide only worsens suffering. Unless one chooses to die for a noble cause, the suicidal will have trouble in mind, rendering it near impossible to die without fear, hatred and/or regret. With one's last thoughts thus tuned to the realms of suffering, how can suicide be escape from misery? The unliberated mind will cling on, and life goes on in another life. When we give up on life due to certain difficulties, we are liable to give up life in a future life when we face similar difficulties. How can we attain True Happiness when we give up time and again? Dawn always breaks upon the darkest hour. When you hot rock bottom, the only way is up. As a saying goes, "Fall down 7 times, stand up 8 times." It's not whether you get "knocked down" in life that matters - it's whether you get up that counts. Gradually, I regained my confidence and life moved on... Sure, there are still ups and downs in life... but hey, let's remember our final destination and make the ride worth it. Remember - we all just want True Happiness! The Buddha is smiling because He attained it, and he invites us to do so too.-shian

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